A Day Of Thinking

You know I was sitting here today thinking of how your heart changes over the years, months or even days. I was just reading some of my blogs from a several months ago. And I was thinking I must have been very miserable. And very angry over life and death, something I can't seem to take very well. I know we all have to deal with it at one point or another.But I still don't have to like it.LOL. I'm not angry at God about Moms and Mamaw's death anymore.Well don't know that I was ever mad at him.I guess I was really mad at myself.I guess because I didn't do everything for mom like I should have.I know Jordan and Taylor were her life but I shouldn't have put them on her as much as I did.I know mom would be very proud of all of us though, with the way we have all helped each other and the girls through her death.It's been 5 months since her death, but it seems like yesterday. It has gotten easier with time, but I don't believe the pain will ever deminish enough for my heart to feel right again. It really bothers me though when I think of how Daddy must feel. I really dread the day he leaves us if he goes before I do. But I know God knows what's best for us all.I know if mom looks down at us all she knows we are going to be ok. And she would be very happy for the love me and the kids have found with Ricky. She worried about all of us so much when she was here. Especially Jordan and Taylor because of the way Ben has done them and me. I hope she knows they have found the love they need in him.And he does Love them very much. Anyway after I read some of these blogs I fixed a few and started to delete the ugly ones...but I desided to leave them as a reminder of how ugly I was.I will try not to be that way again.Hope they don't offend anyone. It is just where I vented my anger. It shows a side of me I never want to return.EVER